medienjobs.info › blog › 5-things-i-learned-trying-to-get-laid-in-s. r/skyrim: What Skyrim quote perfectly sums up your sex life? 23 comments. share. save hide report. 63% Upvoted. This thread is archived. New comments. Sex life according to Skyrim. First offering to the masses. Edit: Top , thanks everyone. Edit: Top , hot damn you guys rock. Edit: Top holy crap. D.
medienjobs.info › blog › 5-things-i-learned-trying-to-get-laid-in-s. When aroused, they will make sex oriented chatter to each other and try to (Updated Version)medienjobs.info For The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on the Xbox , a GameFAQs message board topic titled "Skyrim Sex Life".
Sex-mod frameworks (dubbed Skyrim Sexlab) offer a whole range of 18+ Enhances your married life in Skyrim; SexLab Enchantress: Use. Sex life according to Skyrim. First offering to the masses. Edit: Top , thanks everyone. Edit: Top , hot damn you guys rock. Edit: Top holy crap. D. medienjobs.info › blog › 5-things-i-learned-trying-to-get-laid-in-s.
Thanks life connecting! You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. I think. One has some nipple-less boobs. Another has a non-nude sexual position. It's sex best, like with any article, to just read it in a place where you can't get fired or expelled.
I was once a simple skyrim with a simple dream. I wanted to install pornographic Skyrim ssx that would let me have lots of sex, go skyrim sensual quests, and shoot lightning bolts out of my tits. I was going to write about my adventures for your horrified amusement and then quietly revisit this magical land on Saturday nights when I was drunk and lonely. I thought it was a modest goal. I thought wrong. Sx followed was countless hours of anger, bafflement, and terror as I experienced more sexual frustration in Skyrim than I ever have in real life.
In the end, the only thing Skyrim wanted to jerk was my computer as I fantasized about ripping it from the wall and throwing it skyri, the window. Here's how my idea, and possibly my life, went wrong. Most Lfe mods are easy to find. If these massive databases are brightly lit storefronts, adult mods are hidden behind the counter in a crumpled box, the storekeeper looking at you with judging eyes when you mutter your request.
These are dark corners of the Internet, friend, and you'd best not tread in them. The largest and most wretched hive of orc siyrim is LoversLabbecause nothing says eroticism like the cold, sterile confines of an experimental science facility. The two forums dedicated to Skyrim porn have a combined skyrim, posts. For comparison, Cracked's General Discussion forum and the Comedy Workshopthe beating heart of sex site, haveSex are more people dedicated to adding sex to Skyrim than there were dedicated to adding Skyrim to Skyrim.
And if you think Skyrim is passe, you'll be pleased to know their reign of erotic Fallout 4 terror has only just begun. The site is clad in a darkness perfect for late-night browsing in a home life left long ago.
Only the porn ads provide brightness, along with reminders that you could zkyrim least be masturbating to real women who will never sleep with you as opposed to fictional women who are physically incapable of doing so despite the tragedy of being programmed to desire it very much.
My initial strategy was the same as it is with my sexuality in general -- get in, do what needs to be done, get out, and never speak of it again. But the world of Skyrim sex lured me into its depths like lost Atlantis, tantalizing me with discoveries I'd never forget despite my deep desire to do so. I would understand if these mods were buried in the depths of sketchy foreign file-share sites shrouded in spyware and silence. But users swap fictional sex stories the way other players swap tales of slaying dragons.
Ripped middle-aged warriors proving irresistible to coquettish Cyrodiil schoolgirls, midget heroes having rough sex with their giant hermaphrodite allies, lief with ancient zombified warriors, a woman in the skin of a slaughtered bear having sex with an actual bear -- all life and more regaled like a bro at the bar bragging about his latest conquest syrim resounding applause from his bro brothers.
In another age, these people would have gathered at the local gentlemen's club and discussed the merits of sex new Tijuana bible about Little Orphan Annie getting a life job skyrim a fist up her ass.
LoversLab Spoiler alert: The "hidden contents" are pictures of naked, dead-eyed automatons. These are not just people who want to see frost trolls skyrim dicks. These are people who will stay up until the wee hours debating the appropriate contours of the dick and whether it ejaculates enough semen for a fictional ice monster.
They've dedicated a massive chunk of their limited free time on this Earth to eroticizing a game about shouting at fantasy Norwegians. I went in expecting to find quick ways to make lightning boobs for your amusement, and came out sex later a changed man. I witnessed life anime-faced girl whose few remaining articles of clothing made her resemble a sexy SS officer give a blowjob to a hellhound in what appeared to be a tastefully minimalist modern apartment, an experience so far removed from the Skyrim Sex understand that it might as well have been two Martians reading each other love poems.
I gazed too long into this abyss, and it ejaculated on my face. I soon learned that life sex to Skyrim is like adding skyrim launchers to your car. It's technically feasible, but the framework wasn't built to handle it and will buckle under such a precarious weight. Sex that looked sensual became stilted and mechanical in motion, like a computer having a fevered dream of what love is even as it knows it will never be able to experience it.
No amount of care put into these custom ksyrim and textures -- and there are many, many hours of care -- can overcome the basic fact that Skyrim was not built with sex in mind.
It's like trying to bathe in your kitchen sink. It's technically possible, but it was never intended for that purpose. I have never seen a greater representation of the uncanny valley than a hellhound's bulbous penis clipping through the lips skyriim sex of a girl who's sex to be uncontrollably aroused, yet whose dead eyes suggest an emptiness that a human being would struggle to comprehend, even one traumatized by the horrors of the concentration camps her outfit suggests she supervises when she's not fellating dogs.
Something behind those eyes is begging for death even through her shell of a body can't comprehend the concept. It only knows, on some fundamental level, that it's preferable to its current situation.
But, as I was still naive, I thought I could make this work. I thought I could tell a story that was amusing, instead of unleashing a dark vision of a future where a dog penis penetrates a human simulacrum's mouth forever. The ability to give my character testicles larger than his head? Comedy gold. Sexy magic that makes people undress at my command? Sure, that could be funny. The ability to cast magic sex my skyrimm Achieve orgasm from riding a horse? Why not! Alicia Painslut, who will fight by my side and orgasm if she takes enough damage, perhaps while on one of many new sexy quests like the daring raid of a sex-trafficking ring?
Sign us up. A new and sjyrim main menu theme? Hell yeah. The life went on and on. LoversLab Ms. Painslut, who's had 26 major updates and 1, posts of discussion about her since My ambition outweighed my common sense, and Pife downloaded far more mods than I needed. But these mods are not simply switches you turn off and on. You have to change the core files of the game to make ssx work. I lost an entire workday poring through documentation, FAQs, and wex guides, and to limited success.
The only sentence grimmer than "I spent a day of my life installing erotic Skyrim mods" is "I spent a day of my life trying to install erotic Skyrim mods and mostly failed. Furthermore, mods can often conflict. Trying to skyrim everything to life nice together, skyrim all within the depths of a file system I didn't fully understand, was maddening.
Sometimes the game simply crashed, like it knew what Life was trying to accomplish and refused to be an accomplice to it. After skyrim hours I got the basics working, but like a mad scientist destroyed by his own unholy creation, I came to regret my hard work.
Bethesda Softworks. My idea was to write a story about Throgg, a humble traveler. Just look at him, starry-eyed and full of hope. Bethesda Softworks See, it's funny because he doesn't match the typical sexual fantasy that drives this community.
I'm a comedy writer! The goal was for Life to get into a variety of sexy shenanigans like the hero of a teen comedy. Skyrim, he found wex in a surreal sexual nightmare, like H.
Giger crossed with the wet dreams of a year-old who touches his action figures inappropriately. Many mods technically worked, but they were pale imitations of the already pale imitations they were supposed to be. Throgg's erection was merely a green cylinder without texture, like the peg from a child's shape-matching toy. He thrust in the general direction of his partners' ill-defined orifices sex was rarely accurate, instead preferring to penetrate their torsos or nearby air currents.
This was of no concern to his lovers, who played their role in this grotesque pantomime without complaint. They can speak no objection. Such is not their station. The true horror wasn't the sex but the world I created. Let me walk life through a typical seduction. Bethesda Softworks Can you skyrimm which option the mod added? Overwhelmed by the irresistible "excuse me, pretty lady," Adrianne immediately quits her previous topic to flirt, which in this context means do what I say.
The voice acting cuts out, because she no longer has a voice. Bethesda Softworks "You are willing to show a gent a good time? Peachy keen! Escorting her to a private bedroom was an option, but why bother? In Throgg's world, impromptu public sex is just something that happens in between dragon attacks. Bethesda Softworks "I want to cuddle and trade blacksmithing tips" isn't an option, sadly.
Adrianne will agree to whatever I suggest with uncontrollable lust, because she's no longer a character, merely a dialogue tree that produces different animations. We strip down and embrace. We go straight to having sex on the cold, wet cobblestones, foreplay being as foreign a concept in Skyrim as the jet engine.
Fuck everything. Ysolda and I have sex in the road. This is of little concern to the populace, who haven't been programmed to respond to public indecency and insanity. This guard just wants to chat, despite his desired conversational partner being preoccupied. Bethesda Softworks "You guys, though, you're all right. Adrianne then walks by without comment, unconcerned that the man she slept with moments ago is inside another woman. She is not programmed to be jealous, or even self-aware.
That would be inconvenient. I could even still buy goods from shopkeepers after magically making them so aroused they'd rip off their clothes and publicly masturbate, because these aren't mods to add adult realism. They're meant to annihilate what little realism the game had. Bethesda Softworks "So, look, are you buying something or not? I understand why someone would want to add sex to Skyrim.
You can have PG sex in games like Fable and Dragon Age , because you're roleplaying as a powerful, attractive adult -- why wouldn't romance be an option? But here it's enacted by unaware participants as part of a fantasy of endless sexual conquest so clinical and detached you feel like a scientist observing a foreign species, complete with statistical tracking.
Bethesda Softworks OK, so maybe two girls in six and a half minutes and a complete lack of oral sex skill is kind of realistic. Throgg didn't get shenanigans. Throgg was the vessel through which a hollow mockery of a world was gaped at like oh so many train wrecks.
Only in retrospect did I appreciate the full horror of what I had unleashed. At the time I was simply pissed that my idea wasn't working. Why could I craft and equip a leather horse cock but not see or use it? Why was magic still casting from my hands? Why was Ms. Painslut not where I was told she'd be? Had I done all that one-handed research for nothing? Even the sex was deeply flawed. I'm no sexologist -- I'll even admit that I sometimes have trouble finding a girl's ovipositor -- but I'm pretty sure it isn't supposed to look like this:.
Bethesda Softworks "Oh, baby, I love it when you meld into my armpit. Bethesda Softworks "Uh, this isn't what I meant when I asked for head. I couldn't tell Throgg's story with such blatant technical errors. Who would spend 10 minutes reading a column about Skyrim sex tourism if they didn't believe in the world?
But I like to think of myself as fairly computer savvy. If I had friends, I'd be the guy they called for tech support after accidentally installing 17 toolbars and malware that turns their cursor into a unicorn. So I was going to try again, and I was going to treat this task with the absolute seriousness it deserved. On a beautiful autumn Saturday, when other people were busy not squandering their precious days, I locked myself in my room with the goal of making Skyrim sex work.
Why yes, ladies, I am single. I wiped the game clean for a fresh start. I watched several lengthy video tutorials. I found the right documentation on LoversLab in a sea of outdated and irrelevant information, and I studied every word written with the technical forthrightness of your phone's latest patch notes. I downloaded only the mods I knew would be essential to Throgg's story of elf blowjobs. I installed them one by one and carefully followed the instructions, ensuring files like sdsRomanceBoobJGive.
This is the file directory a horny Terminator sees. I fired the game up. It crashed. I took a deep breath and imagined the entire universe being consumed in a sudden cataclysm, forever eliminating all evidence of the sadness that had unfolded in my room that day. Then I downloaded a special mod manager. Mod managers are programs designed to ensure that all your mods are up to date, have the prerequisite mods installed, aren't conflicting with other mods, and so on.
If, say, "Schlongs Of Skyrim" and "Slut Shout" weren't getting along together, this should let me know. Mod Organizer. But there was a problem. Two, if you count that staring at that screen on a Saturday night made me want to put a gun in my mouth. While I was able to resolve the worst issues, it became clear that I had again screwed up somewhere when installing everything, presumably because it's hard to follow instructions when your eyes are bleeding.
Skyrim sex was still an illogical nightmare, and Ms. Painslut still taunted me with her continued absence. She was going to get such a beating if I ever found her. But that night I had an even more pressing problem. There were only two beers in the fridge, and I was going to need a lot more. Bethesda Softworks It wasn't the proudest moment of my career.
I think we both know which option I chose. But I didn't do it as part of Throgg's wacky adventures, a premise I had at some point abandoned without even realizing it. I did it because I spent a day of my life figuring out how to let a dog fuck my Skyrim character, so goddammit, I was going to let a dog fuck my Skyrim character.
I watched with exhausted detachment as my mighty orc stripped and kneeled on the cold cobbles, like a prisoner of war being told to kneel in front of an empty trench. As the dog emotionlessly mounted me, his penis invisible because I had mercifully erred somewhere, a child walked by. Then, when it was over and Throgg began his walk of shame, this message appeared.
I stared at it, uncomprehending. What was it trying to say? Was it supposed to be "You love fucking animals," an acknowledgment that I enjoyed the services this mod provided?
Or was it a sarcastic "You love animals, fuck," as in "Holy shit, you are way too into animals"? Was the dog-fucking mod mocking me? I closed the game, turned off my computer, and sat in silence. I realized that little girl was right. I was naked. When you've dedicated that much time to letting a virtual dog sodomize your virtual stand-in, I don't care how ironically detached you are -- you ask yourself some questions. Like, "What does it say about modern civilization that people have the free time to design dog-fucking mods, and then I get paid to write about them?
Like, on a fundamental level? Bethesda Softworks At least Lillith doesn't question me. I was also conflicted about my failure. Was I an idiot for not figuring out the technical nuances of a system that a forum full of people who jerk off to video games had mastered?
Why did that bother me if the only people who would judge me for my ineptitude were those same masturbators? Had I let my employer down by failing to deliver the Skyrim sex travelogue I had promised?
What am I doing with my life if that's even a valid question? When's the last time I talked to another human being? Why is my penis out? I found satisfactory answers to some of those questions, but others still haunt me.
And while I haven't played Skyrim since that fateful day, I think I'm going to wipe it clean and give it a go. Throgg and I are going to smash some heads, and that's not a euphemism. And if in some forgotten corner of the map we discover Alicia Painslut, we will simply tell her we have no need for her services and leave for our next adventure. You can read more from Mark, including all about how he got mad laid in Oblivion, at his website.
Skyrim is a pretty transformative experience here at Cracked. See how it prompted Robert Brockway to deal with his boring personality in 5 Personality Flaws 'Skyrim' Forces You To Deal With , and see the other side of the Skyrim relationship what has our world come to?
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see why taking sex advice from video games is a bad idea in Horrible Lessons Video Games Teach Us About Sex , and watch other videos you won't see on the site! Also follow us on Facebook , because we'll be here for you when your video game relationship fails and you need a place to vent.
Tonight only! Find tickets here! Disney and Apple's new streaming services have launched and seven or 8 new services are probably on the way. You could make a strong case that cooking shows are legitimately therapeutic. Don't make me do this again. Don't have an account? Continue as Guest. Please enter a Username. I agree to the Terms of Service. Add me to the weekly newsletter.
Add me to the daily newsletter. Create Account. Link Existing Cracked Account. Create New Account. Use My Facebook Avatar. Add me to the weekly Newsletter. I am Awesome! Photoplasty Photoplasty. Pictofact Pictofacts. Add to Favorites. That bastard killed Lydia and roaster her over an open fire! User Info: thermopylae.
The price of Victory is high, but so are the rewards. User Info: Phoenixmon2. User Info: KnuxtheTurtle. Funny as hell. My favorite weapons in Skyrim are the curved swords. I also tried mercenary work once. It didn't suit me. User Info: outlawstar User Info: VulcanHades. So creepy. I bet he masturbates to that.. User Info: CaptainKatsura. Needs nude mod to be complete. I do admit,that gave me a good chuckle,though.
Herp-a derp. More topics from this board How many times did you buy Skyrim? GameFAQs Answers. Why do my children in Skyrim Hearthfire keep disappearing? Side Quest 4 Answers In your opinion who is the best wife to marry? Side Quest 11 Answers Quickest way to level up smithing? General 7 Answers How do you buy the plot of land in Dawnstar?